Unrequited love
In this old post of mine I told you about my experience with a narcissist. Then, in all honesty, the definition that I would have associated with our story was that of a relationship, the daughter, in turn, of falling in love. Today, a few months later, my knowledge on narcissists has considerably expanded (and I would have done without it) and with the growth of this knowledge, I do not hide from you, my doubts about a not very negligible topic have also increased: Was the narcissist in question really in love with me? And more generally, why is this question that I want to answer, is a narcissist like you really capable of falling in love?
Well, my dear readers, the answer to this question is unfortunately no. If you take away the little hearts and notes of circumstance, the stares and the wide eyes, the truth is that, behind the facade, a narcissist is completely incapable of falling in love as much as she, on the other hand, is adept at making you believe otherwise. But she doesn’t do it to cheat you. He does it to compensate for that emotional emptiness that makes him / her unable to really establish an emotional bond with a person, therefore made of giving / taking, and for this he commits himself to death in creating all that series of situations, affective, sexual, communicative. and more, which can convince you that yes, he is in love with you. You have no idea what the strain I was subjected to during this relationship with the narcissist and in the stages following the end of the relationship with her.
But is not so
For “normal” people, falling in love consists of two phases: the conquest phase, in which we try to appear to the person we like as best we can, and the “maintenance” phase in which, once relationship we try to give it a form so that, by accepting the defects of the other, we can go forward in time even when the “fire of passion” is gradually waning.
For a narcissist, on the other hand, there is a first phase of conquest, and mind you I didn’t write falling in love, and a second phase of boycott of the story and therefore escape.
And this is because, as mentioned, the narcissist is unable to fall in love. The only thing she was in love with was the image of her reflected in the other person, that is, in me. That’s why, once the conquest was achieved, her commitment dropped dramatically, in no time.
Later
I later realized that there was a very simple reason behind this mechanism. She, the narcissist in fact, could not accept that, as is normal that happens, over time I could also discover her defects. And therefore, before reaching that stage, she undertook to boycott the couple, ready as she was to spot her next victim.
The narcissist could not accept that her image of her, in my head and in my heart, could have faded in the least and therefore as quickly as the conquest was, she began to deconstruct the story. And since she was narcissistic but not courageous, she often did so by making absurd excuses such as character incompatibility, age difference or similar barriers which, however, if true, should not have allowed even the first infatuation. Just an alibi. One of the hundreds of alibis she came up with in the months to follow, just not to admit that the problem wasn’t and neither was “us”, it wasn’t our relationship or the age difference, but it was simply her and her inability to feel. a minimum empathic sense, which is the basis of any person-to-person relationship, be it a relationship of love or friendship.
The swings
From there began a continuous swing between the rejection of my person with the most disparate excuses, and the spasmodic search for my presence / approval as soon as (after the aforementioned refusals) I tried to move away: in short, the classic ne con me ne without me. A situation in the long run unsustainable even for those who, like me, have a leopard-like patience.
But the thing is, it’s not just a matter of patience, you know. There is a big problem in this step, namely that the rejected person, and I in my case, in the face of failure tends to project the reasons for the premature end of the relationship onto himself. He thinks he has done something wrong or has not given enough and, based on these premises, he will try to double the stakes, as they say in the casino. My everything was not enough to conquer you, dear narcissist, and then I give you my everything multiplied by two, and then by three and then by four, until it reaches a complete emotional and material drying up.
There my descent to the bottom began. A long process, made up of numerous relapses in which I once again felt willing to give it new credit. And this too is a classic mechanism of the “victims” of narcissists. He is given new credit, once because it is believed (also in the light of his captivating abilities) that now the person has changed. Once because we are convinced that such a beautiful thing will never happen again (and the narcissist is very good at making you ask). And it is useless for the rest of the world around to invite us to see things for what they are, not to have any illusions, to try to get out of them as soon as possible. Or at least, this has been my experience on the subject.
There is always good reason to give a narcissist one more chance to fuck your heart and brain, and I made no difference in that. But it will always be a waste of time. Because they don’t change regardless of how much you feel in love. You know whatever people say about it, love doesn’t change people. Or better; our love is able to change us, from within, in our personal dynamics, in our management of priorities. But forget that your love can change the other person. He has never done this since the time of Adam and Eve, imagine if he will start doing it for you and your relationship with a narcissist.
Final
Narcissist who, while you will be pointing them to the brain, will instead be around or, as is used now, on Instagram, looking for the new prey, a new person to make you fall in love and see again, at best, your own image mirrored. And you? You will remain a safe haven for her to return to when it suits them, or when they need comfort and a safe haven. But you will never become more than this.
